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Politeness is a good quality, it makes us pleasant people and interlocutors with whom one wants to communicate again and again.
But even good traits can harm us if taken too far. In an effort to maintain harmony, avoid conflict, and prevent offense, we may be tempted to resort to excessive politeness.
It is noteworthy that it is because of it that misunderstandings and doubts about sincerity, which we so much want to avoid, often arise in communication. Here are a few reasons why excessive politeness can ruin a relationship.
You cultivate indecisiveness and dependence on others
Politeness can manifest itself in a ability to apologize in time or deliver unpleasant information tactfully, or it can act as a foundation for our indecision and dependence on others.
For example, you may try your best to ignore family members' attacks just because you want to remain polite and respectful. But these tactics don't help you feel better about yourself and finally deal with your communication problems. Because of this, you can fall into the trap of depending on others, continuing to put up with their opinions and behaviors that hurt you, and not even trying to break out of it.
On the other hand, when we want to evoke positive emotions in people, we may overdo it with politeness and feel out of place because of it. Often the need to make others happy leads not to polite, but to obsequious behavior, which also ends in dependence on others, and also insecurity.
There's a good chance that if you get used to being overly polite, you'll simply forget what you want. Because of this, your self-esteem will plummet, as will your contentment with life.
You're misunderstood
By resorting to excessive politeness, it can be difficult to convey what you want to say. Meaning or intentions get lost as you don't let them come to the surface, leading to misinterpretation and misunderstanding.
For example, you really want to resolve a workplace conflict, but you don't dare to do it openly, so you hide the true essence of the conversation behind a lot of words designed to smooth things over. Colleagues can not realize whether you praise them, scold them or just say something to fill an awkward pause in the meeting.
In the end, without wishing to offend anyone, you are left a fool. Colleagues never heard you, the conflict remained unresolved, as well as the problems it brought.
And sometimes we keep quiet out of politeness at times when it is time to assert ourselves and make our voices heard. By trying to remain tactful, we allow others to do the wrong thing. Our silence is interpreted as acceptance or affirmation that things are going the way they should.
You take the position “The best is the enemy of the good”
Any progress is the opposite of routine. For example, if you want to develop a good habit, you'll have to abandon those that oppose it.
And if you tend to be overly polite, you might think that the best is the enemy of the good, and then abandon the idea. Especially if it might bring inconvenience not only to you, but also to those around you
For example, you've decided to get up early in the mornings, but your girlfriend doesn't agree to the change in routine. Instead of starting to become an “early bird,” you think that your lifestyle in general isn't that bad and give up on your idea. All because you want to be polite to the girl who doesn't want to support your endeavor.
The real courtesy in this case is to quietly slip out of the room after waking up early so as not to disturb her sleep, rather than refuse to change, reassuring yourself and making lots of excuses.
And you know what that does to your relationships? You become dissatisfied and frustrated. These feelings accumulate, creating tension, resentments and conflicts, which sooner or later can become the reason for a breakup.
In addition, the principle “The best is the enemy of the good” is not compatible with either personal growth or achievement. Don't let excessive politeness distance you from success and new endeavors that can bring it.
You become prone to learned helplessness
Learned helplessness is the belief that you are unable to control your life and cause the change you crave. It can occur after several attempts to achieve something have failed, and if you are used to relying on others instead of taking responsibility for your own life.
Because of excessive politeness, you may be passive, changing your opinion and behavior depending on what those around you want from you, thus feeding your learned helplessness.
The problem is that people do not like to communicate with those who are not able to make decisions, bear responsibility or try to shift even the smallest tasks on someone else's shoulders.
In addition, your forced helplessness makes you a person who would rather whine and complain than take on the task of solving problems. This approach to life repels people around you and reinforces your insecurity.
You may seem boring and suspicious
Being overly polite can make you seem boring and suspicious in the eyes of others. Especially if because of it you are used to nodding, agreeing with what you do not like, and also to keep silent at times when you need to defend your point of view.
It's unlikely that you yourself enjoy socializing with spineless people who don't know how to show character and say what they think. To avoid alienating others, fight excessive politeness, trying to show sincerity, as well as stating your preferences and things you will never tolerate.
This may seem like a daunting task at first, but with practice, you'll realize: this is the key to quality communication and relationships, rather than trying to constantly appear nice and agreeable to everything.
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