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You may be fixated on your girlfriend's past for a variety of reasons, from your own insecurities to the fear of losing her. But whatever the case may be, constantly focusing on negativity and anxious thoughts has never done anyone any good yet.
Here are some tips on how to accept a girl's past so that you can stop worrying and instead enjoy life and your relationship.
Talk to the girl about it
No, it is not necessary to interrogate a girl about when and with whom she met. It is important to talk to her about your own feelings and experiences.
Don't start the conversation with accusations or assumptions - approach it with tact and calmness. Remember that the goal is not to find out all the details of her past, but to clarify your feelings.
The girl may not realize that by mentioning what happened in her relationship, she is hurting you and bringing discomfort. And also that other things related to her past are negatively affecting you. Talking, honestly and openly, is how trust is built, brick by brick.
Be sure to pick a time when neither of you are distracted or stressed, and remember that this is far from a one-time conversation. Sometimes you'll need to revisit the topic as you both work through it. The more you talk about feelings and experiences, the more comfortable you will be in dealing with any problems in the relationship.
Openly tell her about your concerns
If you are concerned about something specific in a girl's past, don't hide it. It's important to tell her what your concerns are in order to hear her point of view.
Be sure to make sure that you remain tactful. For example, instead of asking the question, “Why did you do that?” try saying the phrase, “I'm afraid of what it might do to my relationship with you.”
Framing your concerns around your feelings rather than the girl's personality is the best solution to soften the conversation and help develop trust. It helps to show vulnerability rather than attacking the other person.
By sharing your experiences, you create space for understanding and problem-solving, as well as real intimacy.
Put yourself in her shoes
You have a past too - you shouldn't forget that. It's easy to focus on your own emotions when you're uncomfortable, but taking some time to step into her shoes can make all the difference.
Think about how she feels knowing that her past brings you anxiety and pain. And how would you yourself want someone to react to telling you about your exes, the mistakes and failures you left behind?
When you put yourself in the girl's shoes, you begin to realize that she may feel just as vulnerable as you do. She doesn't have the power to change the past, but she can show you by her current actions that it's gone and won't come back. In the end, it's her current behavior that should carry the most weight, not what came before.
Think about what bothers you the most
Let's be honest - there may be one or two things from a girl's past that really hit a nerve with you. Instead of letting that heaviness build up on your soul, take some time to get to the bottom of why you reacted the way you did.
Identifying the exact source of your discomfort will allow you to deal with it effectively. It's very easy to think that a girl's past is a global undefined problem, but once you narrow it down, you'll be able to think clearly about what to do and how to move forward.
And if you don't know what to do, it's best to try to let the situation go and focus on what you can control, like how you interact with your girlfriend and what kind of relationship you're building.
Get her past out of your mind
It's one thing to feel a little uncomfortable when it comes to a girl's past, and quite another to constantly run thoughts about it in your own head.
By dwelling on the unpleasantness, you're only making the situation worse. In essence, you're letting the past affect your current relationship in an extremely negative way.
Instead, try shifting your focus. When you catch yourself thinking about a girl's past, ask yourself why it's bothering you at the moment. Is it because of something that's happening right now, or are you letting your insecurities and fears take over?
The more you become aware of your thought processes and take control of them, the more likely you are to feel calmer and happier.
Write down your thoughts and feelings, deal with them, and fight them if they have no actual backup so they don't ruin your relationship.
Trust her
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Without it, a romantic relationship becomes a source of worry, doubt and insecurity, which eventually causes it to fall apart.
If you love your girlfriend, learn to trust her. Especially if she shows by her actions every day that she is committed to you and cares that you are doing well.
Trust doesn't mean ignoring her past - it means you're choosing to believe in the person she is today.
Don't let jealousy control you
You may experience an unpleasant feeling - retroactive jealousy, i.e. the one directed at the girl's past. And it is a destructive emotion both for yourself and for your relationship.
Jealousy of the present or the past arises from insecurities and fears. The more you let her dictate how you feel, the more you find yourself obsessing over things that no longer matter.
The key to managing jealousy is to recognize it for what it is: a fleeting emotion that shouldn't define your relationship. Recognize it when it arises, but don't let it take over.
Talk to your girlfriend about it if you feel you can't handle it yourself. Perhaps together you can find a solution that will help you get rid of the negative emotions.
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