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Hardly anyone will like the situation when a stranger tells them how to live their life. Unsolicited advice is annoying, especially when it is inappropriate or touches on too personal topics.
But is our reaction always the right response to what we hear? No, not always. There are times when it says more about ourselves than it does about our interlocutors. So, let's understand why other people's advice makes you feel negative emotions, and learn how to react correctly in such situations.
Why you don't like hearing other people's advice
There are several reasons why anger and the desire to resist when you hear even helpful advice flares up in your soul.
Need for autonomy
The desire to be the master of our actions is inherent in our nature and is one of our fundamental psychological needs. This is why we get irritated by the feeling that someone else is trying to control us.
By venting our anger and frustration and expressing them openly, we begin to assert our autonomy. We seek autonomy because it gives us the sense of free will that every adult needs.
Feelings of powerlessness
Giving up autonomy feels like giving power over yourself to an outsider. He or she now decides where you go, what you do, and how you think. This leads to a feeling of powerlessness that is unpleasant, disturbing, and anger-inducing. It is associated with weakness, humiliation, and undervaluing oneself.
This is why we try our best to protect ourselves from handing over control of our lives to others. We resist other people's requests, snort when we hear unsolicited advice, or engage in conflict when a clash of interests becomes open and serious.
Feeling like a child
Perhaps you have noticed that, listening to unsolicited advice and guidance, you turn into a small child who has to obey his elders and do what is required of him.
And this is a very unpleasant feeling, no matter how you look at it. You are an adult and responsible person who has been through a lot, and suddenly you feel helpless and small, dependent on someone and a little bit stupid.
Unfortunately, this feeling sometimes makes us react to unsolicited advice in a childish way, for example, we may throw a tantrum or use our fists. But this reaction is not an adult and responsible way to deal with a problem, so it's important to change it.
Inability to accept criticism
No one likes criticism, especially if it is far from constructive. Some take it light-heartedly, while others think long and hard about it and take it personally.
If your relationship with criticism leaves much to be desired, the advice of others always feels like a jab, a reproach and an attack on your personality. Because of this, you react strongly to them, and even in cases where the person giving you the advice is very tactful and definitely wishes you well.
How to respond to other people's advice
Unfortunately, there is no escape from other people's advice. But if you constantly express your dissatisfaction, engage in conflict or foam at the mouth to prove their right, you can turn your relationship into a nightmare. There are some healthy ways to keep your reactions under control and take other people's advice without harming yourself or others.
Define the space for your reactions
Recognize the thoughts and feelings that arise when you are told what to do and how to live. Let go of thoughts about how you “should” react to them, and simply note what happens to your mind and body in those moments.
By understanding how emotional reactions manifest, you'll be less likely to criticize yourself for having them, and you'll know when it's time to take control of your feelings. This gives you a little room to make conscious choices about how you interact with the person you're hearing advice from.
Pay attention to your assumptions
Instead of vehemently lashing out and arguing with someone who is giving you advice, stop for a minute and try to understand how your mind is interpreting the situation.
Perhaps you feel like someone is forcing you to give up power over your life? Or do you think you are being treated like an unreasonable child?
Stop and think: could it be that your mind is playing a trick on you and misinterpreting the situation? It can happen that what we perceive as an attempt at personal responsibility is nothing more than an attempt to take care of us.
Try to consider possible alternatives and understand the motives of your interlocutor, rather than immediately rushing to the grenade, getting into a heated argument and rejecting his advice.
Realize the grip of the ego
When the ego is activated, it can be difficult to think clearly. Our inner self likes to feel right and in control, so it tries to protect itself at all costs.
But sometimes we need to get over our ego and look at reality objectively. It is quite possible that the person giving you advice is not trying to humiliate you or show that they are much wiser than you - such assumptions are the work of your ego.
It tends to justify our resentment or rationalize hatred, which makes us blind and angry at everyone around us. If you want to take other people's advice with peace of mind, try not to let it pass through you and turn off your own pride for a while to see if it's useful or not.
Express feelings quickly and appropriately
Before you open your mouth and respond to the advice you receive, think: Are you ready to express your feelings quickly and appropriately?
If not, take a short pause to gather your thoughts. Instead of spewing out a long monologue filled with negativity and frustration, try putting it into a succinct statement that can describe your emotions succinctly and clearly.
For example, if a friend gives you unsolicited relationship advice, tell them, “I hate that you're bringing up this topic. It is far too personal and I am angry that you are allowing yourself to bring it up.”
Believe me, such a response will much better let your buddy know that his advice was inappropriate than a long and emotional monologue. And sometimes it's better to remain silent and then vent your anger in a calm environment than to engage in a dialog with someone who is telling you how to live your life.
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